Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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