Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
