dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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