After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
