you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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