Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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