come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
