i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
