Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize