I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
