I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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