my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
