We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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