On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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