My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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