you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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