The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she looked like the before picture.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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