wanna go halves on a baby?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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