like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
