Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize