CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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