She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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