So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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