if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
