Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
