there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
