was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
