i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
