I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize