Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
