Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
