What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
