I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
