This is not my ceiling
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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