i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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