Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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