i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
