please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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