Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
