I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
