Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
