Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize