I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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