My Higher Power is John Stamos
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I looked at my own cervix.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
