Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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