maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
