Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
