there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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