The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
