Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
