"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
