Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
