Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
