I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
