the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
