yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
