Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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