The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sacagawea was the original milf.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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