haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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